[We begin our promo today, first with the WWA logo dead center in the screen. Then, it fades out only to fade into a shot of a living room. Inside this living room is a young man sitting on a couch. Writing appears at the bottom right hand corner of the screen. It reads: "Monday, August 30th, 2010. Cal's House." If you saw Mr. Mystery's promo last week, you would know who Cal is. If you don't know, go watch it, then come back. If you know who Cal is, sit right there while we wait for those retards to get back.]
[If you are reading this, you are caught up on who Cal is. He sits in the dark - even though there is a single light bulb dangling above his head - on a recliner shaped like Yoda. He sips a can of soda, smacking his lips. If I were Nick Adams, I would tell you what brand but I won't. Cal wears glasses. Usually he wears dorky clothing too. Star Trek t-shirts, collared shirts, khakis, Jedi robes, Wookie masks, stuff like that. Tonight, he wears sweatpants and a black t-shirt. Kind of styling. Cal's living room is a fan-boy's wet-dream. A life size replica of R2-D2 and C3P0 stand in the corner-]
Threepio: Did he just say replica? How rude of him.
R2-D2: Beep, beep beep, woop.
Threepio: I am not sensitive Artoo, but I don't like to be called fake. It's a pet peeve of mine.
[-all sorts of unopened toys line shelves along the wall, posters of classic horror movies are duct taped to the walls, an entire book case of comic books stands behind his couch, and a rack of rare video games lie in a bin. Anyone that has seen "40 Year Old Virgin" knows exactly what kind of living room we are talking about here. On the television is the latest episode of "Jersey Shore." Cal is genuinely enjoying the show when there is a knock at the door. Cal turns his head in the direction of the door but initially ignores it. However, that knock turns into a pounding. Right as Cal sighs and starts to get up, the pounding turns into what sounds like kicking. Yeah, someone is definitely trying to kick the door down.]
Cal: I'm coming! Geez, Louise!
[The kicking doesn't stop. When Cal opens the door, the person doing the kicking continues and boots Cal in the cock n' balls. He drops faster then the stock market circa 2009. The kicker is Mr. Mystery, wearing a "My Pen is Huge" t-shirt, jeans and a beat up pair of white sneaks. In his hands are two pizzas wrapped in those cool warmer shells. On top of his mask is a hat that says "Pizza Hut." Wait a second...]
Mr. Mystery: Dammit Cal! Why did you order pizza the night that I'm working? I can't stay long bro, I got to make money. The peanuts that I'm working for in the WWA-
[The scene quickly cuts to a WWA worker handing Mr. Mystery a bag of peanuts, then cuts back.]
Mr. Mystery: -just ain't cutting it. I have to make money, and delivering pizzas is the best way I know how. It's what got me through high school.
[The scene quickly cuts to Mr. Mystery wearing a Pizza Hut hat but there are visible pimples on his chin and even a bit of peach fuzz. He's getting shoved into a trash can. The scene cuts back.]
Mr. Mystery: Sort of.
[The fact that Cal is on the ground, groaning loudly, hardly seems to register with Mr. Mystery. He steps over Cal's body into his home. He takes off his hat and throws it onto the coffee table along with the pizza boxes. He takes a seat on Cal's World of Warfare slip-covered couch and immediately digs into the pie. Throwing his feet up on the table, he sits back, taking a bite and grabbing the remote to flip the channel.]
Mr. Mystery: Close the door, you're letting the air conditioning out.
[Still hardly able to move, Cal forces himself to stand and close the door behind him. Gingerly he walks back to his Yoda couch and collapses with a painful expression. Mystery, ever the nice guy, slides the pizza box closer to him.]
Mr. Mystery: Dig in. By the way, the total was 30 dollars.
Cal: *high pitched* 30 dollars?
Mr. Mystery: That's what I said. 15 for the pizzas and 15 for the tip. Don't be cheap.
[Cal hesitates, looking at Mystery with astonishment.]
Mr. Mystery: Fork it over, man! C'mon!
[Mr. Mystery stands up and fakes a back hand to Cal's face. When Cal flinches, Mystery laughs, spitting pizza on the floor.]
Mr. Mystery: Hahaha! Two for flinching, you puss! Don't worry, I'll save it for when you're not ready.
[Now, Cal looks pretty peeved. Either way, he reaches into his pocket and hands Mr. Mystery a fifty. For half a second, Mr. Mystery almost doesn't give Cal the change. But not wanting to start a fight with his best bud, decides to give it to him. A big, fat 20 dollar bill. Greedily, Cal takes the money and shoves it into his own pocket for safe keeping. Mr. Mystery, meanwhile, is channel surfing.]
Mr. Mystery: Is there anything good on tonight?
Cal: I was watching "Jersey Shore."
[Mr. Mystery dramatically turns to Cal to give him a glance that essentially says "What the f**k?!"]
Mr. Mystery: Are you serious right now? You watch that show?
Cal: Yeah, so what?
Mr. Mystery: There is so much wrong, I don't even know where to start.
Cal: You shut your mouth when you're talking to me! That show is magnificent!
Mr. Mystery: No, the miracle of birth is magnificent. "Jersey Shore" is a bunch of weirdos who run around, tan, get drunk and get paid for it. Just like Lindsay Lohan, except uglier and less expensive.
Cal: Well, what do you watch cool guy?
Mr. Mystery: That's Mr. Cool Guy to you sh*t for brains. As for me, I watch soap operas. Guiding Light is my favorite.
[Awkward silence ensues, broken up soon after by a hysterically laughing Cal. He clutches his rib cage as he doubles over.]
Cal: You homo!
[Mr. Mystery is shocked. He has never seen Cal laugh at him, nor has he heard Cal make fun him. He's not mad. He's actually impressed. Cal is finally breaking out of his shell. For his effort, Mystery takes a slice of pizza and slaps Cal across the face. Mystery launches into a fit of laughter next. Not to be outdone, Cal picks up a drinking glass and smashes it smack dab on the top of Mystery's head. He slumps onto the sofa cushions as Mr. Mystery slips into unconciousness, the sound of Cal's laughter fading into the background.]
Cal: How do you like that you pile of monkey nuts? Hahaha!
[Fade to black.]
~~~~~~
Mr. Mystery: Whoa...where the hell am I?
[The camera slowly fades in. Initially the view is blurry, as the camera pans right, then left. Gradually the camera focuses. It appears that Mr. Mystery is standing in the middle of a WWA wrestling ring. The ring is lit, but there are no lights. Empty stadium seating surrounds him, any signs of people of fans gone. Wonder and confusion fill his eyes. He tests the mat, feeling the springs beneath his shoes. He bolts across the ring and rebounds off the ropes.]
Mr. Mystery: What is this place?
[As he continues to look around, he happens to glance over at the time keepers table. Resting on it is a shiny title belt. Next to it is a handwritten note. He knows instinctively what it says. "Take me." Smiling, he obliges. He reaches through the ropes and reaches for it, but the belt is out of reach. It almost seems like the table moves. He reaches again, but his fingers just barely touch the cold metal.]
Mr. Mystery: Son of a..
[Not giving up, Mystery steps through the ropes and lands on the...sand? Yes, that is exactly what I said. Instead of landing on the floor surrounding the ring, he lands in the middle of a desert. The sun is high and it's blazing hot. Behind him the ring is still present, but the table with the belt is gone. Then he hears a noise. A terrible cry erupts into the air. Alarmed, Mr. Mystery searches for where the cry came from. Not too far off, something is moving underneath the sand, like a snake slithering through high grass.]
Mr. Mystery: Is it me, or does this remind me a lot of stery:Beetlejuice?
[Right as he finishes his sentence, up pops a giant striped sand monster. Even worse, the head of the terrible creature is an unmasked Copeland. The horror! Oh, the horror of it all! I can't describe it to you it is so terrible! Run Mystery! Run for your life!]
Mr. Mystery: AHHHHHHHHH!
[Screaming like a teenage girl at a Justin Bieber concert, Mystery turns and sprints away, his arms flailing in the air! He darts into the ring, rolling underneath the ropes! Quickly he pops to his feet, waiting for his impending doom, but...he is back in the ring, the empty stadium surrounding him. The table with the belt, however, are still gone.]
Mr. Mystery: WHAT THE MOTHERF*CKING F*CK WAS THAT?!
[Out of nowhere, laughing is heard behind Mystery. He whips around with a yelp, holding his hands in the air like he's being mugged. He's astonished to see that it is Joshua Curtis who is standing there, wearing black jeans and a black t-shirt. He clutches his side as he laughs.]
Joshua Curtis: *in a bad English accent* That was too much! Stop it, you're killing me!
[Mystery can't help but be extremely angry. I mean, he thought that his life was going to end. That is never a good feeling. Being that scared sucks, everybody knows that. However, before Mr. Mystery can do anything about it, Curtis finally stops laughing.]
Curtis: I apologize for that.
Mr. Mystery: What the hell was that thing? And where the hell am I? What the hell is going on?
Curtis: Do you really wish to know?
Mr. Mystery: Yes.
[Curtis stares at Mystery, waiting to make sure that he doesn't quickly change his mind. When he doesn't, Curtis nods and digs into his jeans. He pulls them out and looks to put something in his other hand. He holds out his hands, palms up. In the center of each palm is a pill. In his left, a red pill. In his right, a blue pill.]
Mr. Mystery: What are you doing?
Curtis: If you wish to know, you'll have to follow me down the rabbit hole Mr. Mystery. All of the answer are-
[The sentence gets cut off when Mystery slaps at both of his hands, knocking the pills onto the mat. Curtis watches them bounce then roll out of the ring. He looks back at Mystery, shaking his head with disapproval.]
Mr. Mystery: This isn't The Matrix you anal bead. If it was, I would be able to stop bullets with my mind.
Curtis: Do you think that you can't?
[At that very moment, Curtis pulls out a gun. He points it at Mystery's face as he cocks it. You can audibly hear Mr. Mystery gulp. Then Curtis pulls the trigger. Out pops a little banner that reads "BANG!" Curtis again erupts into laughter, which draws the ire of Mystery even more. He takes a step towards him, ready to throw down but Curtis raises his hands in defeat.]
Curtis: Hahaha! Ok, ok! I'm sorry! If you don't hurt me, I'll tell you all about this place.
Mr. Mystery: Fine.
Curtis: It's a simple concept really. This *he gestures around him* is a figment of your imagination. You're subconscious mind, if you will. It is the culmination of all of your dreams...and your nightmares, your desires, people you have met, situations you have been in, things you have witnessed. Have you ever seen Dreamcatcher, that movie based on Stephen King's book?
Mr. Mystery: Yeah. What of it?
Curtis: Well, in that movie, the lead character is imprisoned in his mind, but he was actually a sentient being. If he were to trip and fall and skim his knee while in there, when he became one with his body, there would be a cut where he fell. Not only that, but he could manipulate things while in there. His mind, his rules.
So you see, if you wanted to stop bullets, you could. However, if I would have shot you right then and there, more then likely you would have been seriously injured because you believed that you were. But now if I were to try, if you believed your own lies - which I am sure you are capable of because you actually think I have a sliver of hope at beating you on Underground- and you believed you could stop bullets, you would.
[Nodding, Mr. Mystery scratches his chin in thought. He even paces back and forth a few times, making sure that he comprehended everything that Curtis (if it really is Curtis) said. If it were true, well then...]
Mr. Mystery: I see. So what you're telling me, is if I imagined that you were wearing a dress, you would be?
Curtis: Certainly, but I don't see why-
[POOF! All of a sudden Curtis is wearing a red dress that stops just below his genitals. Annoyance is evident on his face. He crosses his arms, glaring at Mystery.]
Curtis: Very funny. Now take this thing off or I'll-
[POOF! Now his face is completely covered and makeup, complete with blush, mascara, and red lipstick to match the dress. Plus, he is wearing high heels and panty hose. Annoyance suddenly turns to shock, then back to annoyance.]
Curtis: That is enough! Give me back my-
[POOF! Holy cow! Curtis just turned into a smoking hot biker chick!]
Curtis: *in same English man voice* This is an outrage! I demand to be turned back to Joshua! Not Jocelyn!
Mr. Mystery: Come here babay, and give Poppa Question Mark a kiss!
Curtis: No, don't! No! Please! Oh god! No! No! NOOOOOOOO!
Mr. Mystery: Yes!
[Mystery grabs Curtis by the back of his neck and pulls him towards his lips, planting a sloppy smooch. He even slips in a little bit of his tongue. Curtis waves his arms and tries pushing Mr. Mystery off, but it's no use. Mystery is just too strong, which is exactly why he WILL win you English bastard. Anyways, finally Mr. Mystery comes up for air. He opens his eyes to find that he is back in the real world, Cal kneeling over him with a worried look on his face. His eyes are closed and tears are streaming down his face.]
Cal: NOOOOOO! Wake up man! Please! Don't die!
[Cal swoops down for another kiss...erm, I mean to give mouth to mouth. He blows air into Mystery's mouth, poofing out his cheek. It's at this exact moment that Mr. Mystery snaps out of it and pushes Cal off, sputtering and spitting. He wipes at his mouth incessantly, shooting Cal pissed off glances. Cal is so surprised that he doesn't know what to do at first. Then he whoops for joy and tries to plant a real kiss on Mr. Mystery, but gets pushed away.]
Mr. Mystery: What the hell are you doing?! I don't kiss boys, man!
Cal: Wha'? No, I wasn't trying to kiss you. I was giving you mouth to mouth! Jesus, I thought you were dead!
[He grabs Mr. Mystery and tries for another kiss, but again gets denied.]
Mr. Mystery: Dude! Get the hell off of me!
[Cal obliges, but can't help but smile broadly. Mystery is still working at getting rid of the taste of Cal's mouth out of his own.]
Mr. Mystery: How could you do such a cruel thing, anyway?
Cal: I am so sorry. I didn't mean to hit you with that glass, I just...I just...
Mr. Mystery: I'm not mad about that, it's cool. What I'm mad about, is the fact that I was hooking up with a hotter version of Joshua Curtis and you stuck your tongue in my mouth! Not cool, bro. Not cool.
Cal: Wait a second, you had a dream you were kissing Joshua Curtis?
Mr. Mystery: Yeah, but it's not what you're thinking.
Cal: You ARE a homo!
[Mr. Mystery shakes his head, trying to convince Cal that in his dream that Joshua Curtis was a woman. But Cal doesn't hear because he stands up and walks away, laughing hard. Mr. Mystery doesn't appreciate this, but knows he can't do anything about it. He hangs his head in defeat. He gets up and goes into the bathroom to sulk by himself. That is when he notices.]
Mr. Mystery: What is that on my lips. I think it's...
RED LIPSTICK!
[The camera cuts to the WWA logo.]