This chair is still very uncomfortable. You should tell him that., And the room still smells of the coffee that he probably hasn’t stopped drinking since he arrived. Tell him that too.
“I understand you’re wrestling again, Albert.”
“Yes.”
You don’t like his wallpaper. Green doesn’t work; it never works, you know that. Tell him that. Criticise him before he criticises you.
“Is that going well?”
“Your wallpaper is horrible.”
“Oh?”
“Horrible. You don’t need a degree to know that green never works.”
“I see.”
“Did you pick it?”
“Yes.”
“Not a very intelligent decision, was it?”
“I guess not, Albert. Which colour would you have chosen?”
“I don’t know. Not green.”
“Right.”
“And this chair…”
“Yes?”
“Why does it have to be so bloody uncomfortable?”
“I didn’t realise it was.”
“Well, it is. You realise now.”
“I do.”
Criticise him before he criticises you.
“You drink a lot of coffee.”
“How did you know?”
“The room smells of it. Stinks of it.”
“Oh. You’re not a coffee fan, then?”
“I hate it. The smell sickens me. Your wife must hate it.”
“She hasn’t complained yet.”
“She’s being nice.”
“Perhaps. How is Julia?”
“Julia?”
He’s trying to unnerve you.
“Why?”
“You asked about my wife, so I felt I should return the sentiment and ask about your girlfriend.”
“She is not my girlfriend. I’ve told you this before.”
“Oh, of course, yes, I’m sorry. How is she?”
He’s trying to unnerve you; don’t let him do that.
“I lost.”
“Julia?”
“No. You asked about the wrestling. I lost my match.”
“I see. I thought we’d moved on from that subject.”
“You had. I hadn’t.”
“Okay. Well…how did it feel, losing?”
“It felt…”
Don’t tell him how it feels. Tell him what he doesn’t want to hear.
“…fine.”
“So you’re not angry about losing?”
Admit nothing.
“No.”
“Well, that’s fantastic. You seem to have your emotions under control.”
You can’t admit how much losing has hurt you. How it keeps you awake, the stench of failure clinging to every orifice in your body, the rage inside you crying in desperation for revenge. On the man who triumphed. On the men who approved. Don’t admit anything.
“And will you continue to wrestle, Albert?”
“Yes. I have a match this week.
“Confident?”
“Yes.”
“That’s good. What will you do if you lose again?”
“Lose again?”
“Yes. There is always that possibility, isn’t there?”
“Some possibility, yes.”
“What will you do?”
Lie to him.
“I don’t think about these things.”
“You don’t talk about these things with Julia?”
He’s doing it again. He loves mentioning that name. He loves to read your face when he mentions that name. Don’t let him do that. Don’t let him know you.
“I will push on and continue to try and win.”
“This is what you discuss with Julia?”
“No! No. This is my answer to your question.”
“Why don’t you like to talk about Julia, Albert?”
“Why do you mention her?!”
He’s breaking through.
“What she does has nothing to do with you!”
Don’t let him break through.
“Whether losing matches makes me happy or sad is my business!”
You’re going too far. Don’t let him in.
“If I want to hurt someone, I will, why do I have to tell you every bloody thing?!”
You’ve said too much. Admit it all, Albert. Admit everything. Let him in, Albert.
“I lost. Do you know what that means?”
“What does it m-“
“Shut up. It isn’t just losing, Doctor. It’s losing the opportunity to quench my thirst.”
“Quench your t-“
“Shut up. Quench my need for pain, Doctor. I hurt, don’t you know? I hurt. I can’t extinguish my pain, I can’t make it go away, no matter how hard I try. So, Doctor, others can share it with me. You.”
“M-Me?”
“You. But that would be too easy, Doctor. Instead, I’ll share it with others. With those worthy of it. With Ki Loshimo.”
“K-Ki Los-“
“Shut up, Doctor. Ki Loshimo. A man who will struggle with my pain; a man who will fight against my pain; but a man who will fall under the weight of my pain. For what reward is there without effort. Right?”
Let him in.
“Right?!”
“R-Right.”
“Right. You can write his name down on your fancy pieces of paper. His name will serve as reminder that you had the good fortune of not being the man I shared my pain with. Yes?”
“Yes, Albert.”
“Yes.”
It’s time to go now. It’s over. You’ve let him in. He knows. You’re absolved of sin and guilt and secret. Now it’s Ki Loshimo’s turn. Show him everything. Admit it all to him. Break him before he breaks you.