This is the story about a man.
No. This is the story about a bear.
No. Before he was a bear, there stood a man.
Well I suppose there was a kid before all that but bear with me for a sec.
Yes, I know, bear puns are lame; that one wasn't intentional. Work with me for a second.
This is the story about the son of a plumber: working class, blue collar, digging ditches for a living by the sweat of his brow. IN AMERICA. In the land of opportunity, where a man can become anything he wants if he works hard at it. And even at the age of eight, this young boy knew what he wanted to be when he grew up.
No I'm not ripping off a PBF joke; YOU DON'T KNOW' WHAT THE PUNCHLINE IS. Who's telling this promo anyhow, you or me? That's right, settle down in front of your computer screen and read these words that I am typing or so help me God I will digress and ramble a three thousand word peice as vacuous as any Erik Stalin promo! That's right, go ahead, try me, TRY ME!!!
Nah, I'm just ribbin' ya bro.
THIS IS THE STORY... about a dreamer. An exception to the normally isolationist Southern man, this son of a plumber grew up curious about the world around him. That and he watched Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom as a child and thought it was radical. Walk tall: even as a teenager the American Freebear knew there was no point in being part of the greatest country on Earth if you had to be its prisoner.
American Freebear, age 15: "When I grow up, I'm gonna be a rock star!"
No, he's not suffering from heat stroke- QUIT INTERRUPTING MY PROMOS ALREADY! For crissakes, Johnny D. doesn't even get the reference! Look, you had to be there. It was a battle royal thingy and... Now where was I?
American Freebear, still age 15: "Or maybe just a roadie; travel with Lynard Skynard around the world and rock out. I don't mind."
Right, stupid children saying stupid things. This is the story of one such child; or at least it was up to the point until his mother knocked some sense into him. She might've married a plumber but she wouldn't be dooming her son to a lower-class life pumping shit out of other people's homes after some spendthrift life on the road would eventually fail. Mama Freebear wouldn't raise no fool. Mama Freebear didn't raise no fool.
Raised on a football scholarship, the American Freebear showed the same drive and determination he would show in the ring many years later. In his studies: learning integers, derivatives, other math related subjects! This is the story of a... John Cena of the campus! The American Freebear might not have any ability whatsoever in the fields he was studying but his hustle loyalty and respect, along with a never-say-die never-quit attitude gave him success... in the form of a 3.5 GPA.
Suck on that, "Above Average" Mike Sanders.
This is a story that should've ended right about there (much like how this running gag should've ended ages ago). Freebear graduated, finding employment in an insurance office and finally becoming a white collar worker, thereby elevating his position from his father's lot. This would've made a fine ending; if it all weren't for one nagging feeling.
American Freebear, age 29: "You know... man just wasn't meant to live in a cage, even if it's a cage of his own making."
Wise boy, this Freebear. That's when he realized that if to live as a man meant being caged behind cubicle walls, then he'd become an animal and live wild across the world! Nothing is as difficult or as pervasive as a dream... or however that quote went; I don't exactly remember. I think they used the term "idea" instead.
American Freebear, today: "And that's how I became the man I am today."
There's the story about how the American Freebear fumbled and potatoed everyone during wrestling school. There's the story about how the American Freebear shocked his class with a top rope moonsault without killing himself. This is not these stories. This is the story about the rise of the American Freebear in the WWA.
American Freebear, today: "Johnny D., I see you're a fan of Nietzsche, of Kundera and that you consider yourself as some manner of philosopher. Well I'm something of a philosopher myself, just that I'm the writer of my own book. You're reading the story of Freebear: a man who could not stay caged, no matter how gilded the bars. This is my chapter in the WWA, where I can't stand still and have to fly ever higher. And this story... it doesn't end with the American Freebear just holding the WWA World Heavyweight title high above his head. Naw, that's just the start..."
"See, I can't believe I'm gonna say this in a wrestling promo but... I'm fighting this Meltdown to oppose your concept of lightness as espoused by Milan Kundera!!! Because; and I agree this is all getting pretty surreal (which I guess is how this promo got all wonky and nonsensical to begin with); if you think "what happens but once, might as well not have happened at all for if we have only one life to live, we might as well not have lived at all”; WELL I'M GONNA SHOW YOU OTHERWISE!!! When the American Freebear get's the title; it means something! It means something to me, it means something to these fans; my decisions do have transcendential meaning!"
"So I guess that means that I do live with a terrible burden on my shoulders that is typically Nietzchien in origin, then again I do a moonsault from the top rope so really, all that burden just means I hit that much harder. I'd say that were a moral on accepting the hardships that are foisted upon us and how responsibilities make better men (or bears) of us all; then again, I'm just an insurance guy turned pro-wrestler turned flying bear. Write your own book and never forget..."
"This is your story too."
And then the WWA shut down, rendering the whole thing unbearably pointless.