(The scene begins with what appears to be a large bronze ball which sits atop a wooden stand. The camera zooms in to a gold plaque which is affixed to the wood. It reads: “Tommy Starr”.

The camera zooms out to reveal this unique assortment of materials is sitting on a mantlepiece at the home of Tommy Starr. Speaking of the NEXT Next Big Thing, he is standing next to the mantlepiece, attired in a black “Devils Own” muscle shirt and jeans.)

Starr: Greeting jerks at home, and tonight you have the pleasure of being invited into my home. I guess your pea sized brains are trying to work out what that bronze thing is. That, nimrods, is in fact a bronze cast of my bicep!

(Starr nods and runs his hands over his close cropped bleach blond hair.)

Starr: I know, its huge, it’s practically the size of a beach ball! It’s the size of your ugly wives little toes! That’s what you get when you are as talented, as disciplined, as awesome as Tommy Starr is. Well that’s enough about me.

(Starr shakes his head from side to side.)

Starr: In fact, scrap that – I know you STARR gazers at home can never get enough of yours truly, especially the ladies! I mean for Tommy’s sake look at me! That strokehead Damian Thorne goes on about how he is a God.

Yeah Right.

Compared to me, he is more like the God of bad haircuts! Do us all a favour and get a wig, doofus! But anyways, I didn’t come here today to tell you all how good I am...well actually, I did, but apart from that I thought it was about time Tommy Starr gave all his STARR Struck fans a rundown on the Meltdown roster.

(Starr reaches into his pocket and pulls out a crumpled piece of paper.)

Starr: Firstly, the Devils Own, Ian Tense, Leviathan, Lockdown, and Psycho. My boys. I’d give them a ten out of ten. If you peons at home could count that high. We rule!

Next, Nick A Dumbs and his mum, Fate. Seriously I thought she was called “Fete” because she was like a carnival that everyone has had a ride on at some point. But apparently it is “Fate”. As in it is fate that she would be managing an idiot as dumb as she is. What a perfect couple..of losers.

(Starr puts on his custom silver tinted glasses and mugs for the camera.)

Starr: Tracer Numbnuts. If you are such a good detective, maybe you can find out exactly why you suck so much! But its no mystery who has a legion of STARR gazers out there and who doesn’t!

(Starr turns the piece of paper over and picks another name.)

Starr: Hmmm, I’ve already touched upon “Bruce Almighty” Damian Thorne, who else? Ahhh, the poster boys for birth control, Grunge and Eddie Van Dorn. Come to think of it, they’ve probably “touched upon” Thorne before too!

(Starr cracks himself up. At least he thinks he is funny.)

Starr: Liam Neeson, I mean Jenson. That’s a toughie. A bit to early to say. He seems to be on the right track so far, so I will leave him out of this, for now. Well, that looks like all the wrestlers on the Meltdown Roster!

(Starr turns the piece of paper around and then upside down.)

Starr: Although there are some sideshow freaks on Meltdown who like to “play together”, called Cold Pain Enterprises. I wouldn't call them wrestlers though. Shmuckster, Twattsoner and Lame-man! Sounds like a defunct children's cartoon..I can see it now, CPE and the Masters of the Punyverse!

(Starr twiddles his fingers all scary like.)

Starr: Ohhhhh I’m scared! Shaman, you tried to put me out of commission last week, but guess what? I’m back baby! You see that bronze bicep I pointed to earlier? See how big it is? They almost ran out of bronze, and that was just on one arm!

I am freaking Tommy Starr! And this Monday,

You,

Sniper,

The C.P.E,

Meltdown,

The WWA,

The whole f*cking world will be speaking that name, over and over. Say it with me.

Tommy Starr.

Sounds good doesn't it? You will be hearing a lot more of it in the future. Sing it with me...

"Get ready for the STARR Treatment!"

DEVILS OWN
DEAL WITH IT!

(Fade Out)